My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

My Stick Family from WiddlyTinks.com

this is the first time i've written anything meaningful in about two years, or more. but.

I need some guidance.

I need some comfort.

I need something.

Today, as I substituted, I realized how much time has passed since I felt like I was really “right.”

Fourth grade for me was a very long time ago, but I can still remember being so sure of myself when it came to most everything. (Except boys – but even then, I was the girl they would ask for homework help and then end up throwing erasers at in such an elementary, but effective, way of flirting.) I knew who my family was, to me and to each other. I don’t even remember not having money. There were fights and spankings and everything else that comes with growing up with lots of siblings in a small space, but above all, I knew love was what kept us all going.

And I’m not saying I had anything figured out then, but at least I knew where I was and where I wanted to go – It was simply on to fifth grade, but nevertheless, I had plans. I had questions about life, but I wasn’t scared of what the future held. I was just happy with school, with my family, with life.

I’ve lost that. Not recently. The more I dwell on it, the more I realize I’ve let myself become so lazy and complacent with how things are that I can’t even remember when it all began.

I am not un-happy. I have a lot of things that make this time in my life all worth it: I love being home with my sister, watching her play basketball and see her just grow up; I love being able to help my dad, especially during the tough times of the business; I love having Seth here, cuddling with him on the couch at all hours of the day and night and being his little nurse when he is sick; I love Phil being one of my best friends, watching him get excited about computer programing and being able to talk to him so honestly about my life and his; and I even love having my mom just down the street, her making supper and calling just to make sure I don’t have any questions about substitute teaching.

But things have changed, people have changed, and most importantly, I’ve changed.

I’m still the confident girl I was back in fourth grade in most aspects, but I’m not so sure of myself when it comes to school anymore. I’m not intimidated by the new school environment, but something has developed such an apathy inside of me I don’t even want to try. It isn’t that I’m afraid of failure, I just don’t want to think about it.

Love doesn’t really make our family anymore, like it used to. Struggles dominate it. And I can’t even begin to explain how hard that is. I want to be able to say I haven’t gotten bitter, or that I’ve gotten over my mom leaving, but I can’t. Until she comes home I don’t think I’ll be able to let it all go. I want being a family to just be easy, like it used to be.

Being 22 isn’t easy. Actually, my entire time in my twenties hasn’t exactly been a breeze. Growing up makes you realize things you wish you could keep a blind eye to your entire life. Things about your family, things about the world in general, and things about yourself.

I’m so scared now of the future, of having to really become a grown-up, of figuring out if I’m following the plan God has set out for me, of not having answers to any of my questions.

Am I supposed to be back in school? Am I supposed to become a teacher? How long am I supposed to live here with my parents? Are Seth and I supposed to end up together? How long am I supposed to wait on him to figure out what he wants for us? Am I actually ready to make a life-time commitment to him? What does the next five years hold for me? Am I really asking God for his help in all my decisions? Am I even considering God?

If you ask me right now, I know what I want some of the answers to be. But if you ask me again in five minutes, I’m likely to change my mind about everything. It isn’t that I’m wishy-washy, or sitting on the fence. I’ve just come to the point in my life where every decision is a difficult one, and I don’t know how to go about making the first move in figuring out the answers.

I don’t think I am going to be able to decipher the answers right now. But I do think I know what starting causing all this in the first place – I need to learn how to love again.

I need to love my family unconditionally, regardless of how screwed up I think they are right now. I need to love my boyfriend, as my companion and as my brother in Christ, no matter how our relationship ends up. I need to love my decisions about a career, even if my new professors are idiots and I can’t find any joy in the specific subject matter(s) of the class(es). I need to love God, like I did when I first came up out of the water after my baptism, and regardless what bad things happen from day to day.

I think there is a reason 1 Corinithians is so explicit on what love is – it is what sustains and gives meaning to life.

So help me and my words be more than a resounding gong; help me love.